One of my closest friends was slightly shocked by how honest I'm being, while others feel what I've written so far hasn't been candid/honest enough. Hmm, what to do? Personally I feel as if I'm not out to shock people with this. I kind of think that the most shocking aspect of this blog was right there in the first sentence I wrote anyway; the fact that I'm still a virgin at 30. I'm sure that once I get into the dating scene back in London I'll have tons of salacious, lurid content to shock you with. But for now I think, like my love life, it'll have to stay pretty pedestrian.
Now, on the honesty front, perhaps I have held back a little bit. Obviously, for the moment at least, the vast majority of people who read this will be friends of mine and people that I have to see on a regular basis. I think somewhere in my head the candour gauge may have been set at a little under full steam ahead. I'm writng a blog about being sexless at 30 for god's sake, but so far I haven't really expressed how that makes me feel. So here goes:
This is how I feel on a daily basis. I may be a virgin, but I'm a normal, red blooded male. I have the same urges, desires and erection rates as everybody else. Not to be able to act on these (or at least to feel unable to) fucking sucks for want of a more eloquent way of putting it. Please understand I'm not on some crusade to promote abstinence before marriage, nor am I judging those people that open their legs or arse cheeks as often as Tower Bridge. Given the choice (and a kick ass time machine) I would travel back and make myself have done it years ago like everybody else. I don't think anybody realises how embarrassing it is to sit in a group of your peers talking about sex (especially with people you perhaps don't know so well) and feel like that prissy twat Pollyanna because you can't add anything to the conversation. Then there's the fear of being found out. I swear sometimes I feel like a Jew in Nazi Germany, hiding in broad daylight. I'm just missing some kind of scarlet letter (maybe a big pink V). Obviously my closest friends all know my dark secret (!), but new people don't and it's not exactly something you bring up over a muffin in Starbucks: "Hi I'm John, Ive never been fucked". I'm sure that the way I feel is all in my head and that nobody really gives a shit if I'm a virgin or not. The human psyche is a strange and powerful thing though, and once you get into a particular thought pattern it's bloody hard to break out of.
Some of you might be wondering what happened in my past to give me such a complex about sex. I really don't want this to get mawkish so I'll just lay out the facts. I came out, at home and at school, when I was 14. In 1994 things were a lot different for gays in the UK, let's just say that. I was bullied to within an inch of my life for three years and those scars have taken up to now for me to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy, there are tons of people who went through the same experience as me. I know I'm a pretty cool guy. I have an absolutely amazing family who mean everything to me and the best group of friends ever. I know I'm loved and lovable (just need my heart to catch up with my head). But when everybody was out getting drunk and molested by their peers on icy commons all over London, I was stuck at home alone basically. I guess I just never developed the confidence to talk to guys. Time moved on, I stood still, and here we are sixteen years later.
So, that's as honest as I can be. I could tell you about the fact that I wank like someone on death row or that I think about getting fucked (with fear and intrigue in equal measure) as often as I blink, but that would just be lewd. xx
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