How very dare you!

O-M-G! So, I told you all about how I registered for the dating website plenty of fish the other day. Well, today I'd like to rename said site plenty of dross. After the trauma and tedium of setting up my profile the other day, I decided last night to cast my net and see what was on offer. Page one threw up nobody I was really interested in, neither did page two, nor page three, nor four. Are you seeing a pattern yet? Now, I am naturally picky about everything by nature, but I was really trying to keep an open mind here. I'd be willing to go on a date with someone if I could see they had a nice smile or nice eyes, just something to recommend them to me. You don't have to be David Gandy. I'm sorry, but the dried up pieces of twig exhibited on this website were enough to make me reach for the valium. It wasn't even a case of: "Well, you're no stud, but maybe your personality will shine through in your profile". Nothing! Let me give you an example.

I was messaged by a guy from Ipswich (ew!) last night who wanted to meet me. Now obviously I can't put his picture up on here, that would just be mean (and probably illegal). What I can do though is show you what he wrote:

hi my name is ***** im 22 from ipswich i love sining dancing hanging with mates love all sorts of music mainly lady gaga yes i know sad but she is a real artist sorry im one for listening to the lyrics n finding a meaning in the song, my pefect date would be to go see a film or go for a drink cuddle up on soffa once got home and just chated the night away is that chesses i dont know any way dont be afaird to msg me

p.s i dont ware make up all time only for photos lmao

Now I don't know if perhaps this guy is dyslexic or has some kind of learning difficulty. But if so, wouldn't you get a friend to help you write this so it didn't come across as such an illiterate mess?! I'm adamant about this one. There is no, I repeat no excuse for being an illiterate retard in the UK today. Everyone gets the opportunity to learn to read and write, and when I see the English language butchered like this I reach for the napalm. Call me a snob, a bitch, I don't care. There's no room for manoeuvre on this one (I'm an English teacher for fuck's sake). And this pattern of almost third world illiteracy was a theme through the whole website. Honestly my flatmate and I sat there for a good ten minutes trying to decipher the drivel he'd written. And don't get me started on the appearance. Let's just say the honey monster and Liza Tarbuck mated and had a make up wearing, pigeon haired child. Can you see it? Now multiply the horror of that image by around fifty and you're beginning to be on the right track. 

I know you don't ask, you don't get, but honestly, I feel violated by the fact that someone like this would even have the audacity to approach me. Yes, I'm being superficial blah blah blah but I'm sorry, you are not, I repeat not, intially attracted to someone's personality. There has to be that physical attraction to get your mojo fired up, and so far the people who've been interested in me have been offensive and unacceptable to say the least. Quite apart from anything else, none of these idiots live in London. What makes you think I'm going to make a love commute for anybody in the beginning, especially you? If you want me to make a love commute you need to be Henry Cavill (who will be mine one day) Oh Henry, I can't wait to see you in that tight Superman outfit next year (heart racing, trouser stirrings). Can we just take a minute to appreciate his beauty:

 



I can hear angels singing right now. Anyway, I digress. For him I'd crawl to the back end of beyond on my hands and knees, but not for some potential murderer with zero personality.

Come on guys, pull your fucking fingers out. It just seems to me as if ninety per cent of the guys on this site don't give a shit. They rolled out of their pit, threw on yesterday's pants, a manky t-shirt, flashed their (unbrushed) snaggletooth at the camera and hoped to attract a mate.You need to step your game up if you want to snag me boys. Lord I'm having a "Because I'm worth it!" moment. At this rate I'll be the forty year old virgin knocking on Steve Carell's door asking for royalties! I want to make sure you all understand something. I'm under no illusions of being Brad Pitt here, but I think I'm attractive and funny and I'm just looking for someone on the same level as me.

Time for hard facts. Out of a possible 170 guys who met my criteria of living in London and age range, I found four who I wanted to meet. Four out of 170! Disheartening is an understatement right?! I know now why people were rioting last week in the UK. They'd just registered with a dating website and seen what was out there.