Round peg in a square hole

It's been a while. Blah, blah, blah. It's winter. I'm black. I've been hibernating. Sue me.

I haven't been completely inactive over the past few months though. I've been trying out the vast array of social networking sites out there. And there really are a vast array: Grindr, Manhunt, Gaydar, Fit Lads to name just a few. Do you spot the trend in all these titles? Sex. Sex, sex, sex. At the risk of sounding like Mary Whitehouse, when did we all become so obsessed with making the beast with two backs?

I don't know about you, but generally when I meet someone for the first time, whether in cyber space or the real world, I like to ask questions about that person's interests or a bit about their background. Not their cock size and if they're into fisting. I understand that in some ways the internet is about anonymity and granting people a freedom they wouldn't perhaps have in everyday life, but whatever happened to a bit of oral (minds out of the gutter, I mean conversational) foreplay?

If I'm sounding as if I belong in a Jane Austen novel I don't care. I suppose I am a bit of a romantic at heart. And I'm not talking about unrealistic Hollywood romance either, I'm under no pretensions about that believe me. I just think it might be nice sometimes to have the date before the sex, and not the other way round as seems to be the case so often in gay world. I'm not trying to have a go at my fellow queers here either. Gay men have fought long and hard to have the same rights as everyone else, and if meeting someone penis first is your bag; go for it. I'm just thinking out loud and trying to figure out where I fit in in this big rainbow coloured world of ours. I can't be the only one who feels like this. Surely not?

Perhaps I do belong in a different time. I can quite see myself scrubbing my front step, rollers in hair talking with Reeny from next door about 'er at number 57 and the baby she's 'ad with 'im who works down't docks. Sorry, tangent. Ignore me. Seriously though, I do feel out of place a lot of the time among my own people.

Since starting to write this blog I've had a lot of comments, mostly positive, from friends and strangers alike. Now, not to be dismissive to my loyal following of breeder readers (I like that), but I guess I'm slightly more interested in what the gays think about my musings. And, unfortunately, I have to say I'm not always pleased with the results. Case in point: I was at a party a few weeks ago and someone approached me:

Gay: "Hi, I'm X"

Moi: "Hello I'm John. Nice to meet you."

Gay: "Oh you're John. You write the blog right?"

Moi: "Yes, that's right"

I could feel the big, pink, neon, virginal arsehole above my head flashing on and off. You might think I'm being paranoid here, but I promise you had you been there you would understand totally. He might as well have said: "Oh, you're John, the 31 year old virgin right?".

The fact of the matter is that a lot of gay men, and indeed the entire gay scene is completely sex oriented and that's just the way it is. So it follows that these internet sites are just going to be a (penis) extension of real life. Men love to fuck, to put it bluntly. Obviously my Mr right isn't waiting for me inside a 1x1 centimetre touch sensitive square on my iPhone. He's waiting for me on Portobello Road with a cup of coffee to spill on me, invite me back to his to get cleaned up, and then fall madly in love with me. Oh no wait, that's bullshit.

I won't lose faith though. I know there are other guys out there who feel like me, I just need to find them. To end on a cheeky Kenneth Williams / Carry On note, I just need to find the hole I fit into. Oo er missus!

Stressful intro to online dating

They don't make it bloody easy do they?! Trying to keep my newly discovered positive mental attitude aflame before it gets blown out by the cruel wind of the London dating scene, I have just signed up to a dating website called plenty of fish. It wasn't a good experience. First of all, it's so so difficult trying to write a description of yourself to try and attract a mate. Everything that comes out just seems like a ridiculous cliché. I'm left with a slight feeling of hopelessness to be honest. I'm sure what I wrote was perfectly fine, it's just I hate that feeling of having to sell myself as if I was at a job interview. It's bloody impersonal and I hate it. Boo! Here's what I wrote:


It sounds like the biggest cliché, but my friends would call me the life and soul of the party and I'd have to agree. I'm very sociable and I love being out and about and being in the company of other people. Loner is definitely not a word to describe myself. That's not to say I'm averse to quiet nights in because really I can be a complete homebody/couch potato when the mood takes me. One thing I am definitely not is sporty, so please no invitations to go hiking or for a bracing jog around the park because you'll be jogging alone.

At the moment I'm in between jobs. I've been living in Madrid for two years teaching English but have decided to move back to London to work towards taking my masters in conference interpreting. I speak five languages so it seems the logical thing to do. Plus I think it's a job where I'll be constantly challenged. Also, I'll get to wear a cool headset..

In terms of music, film etc I can't really list what I'm into as the internet would probably collapse from the weight of data I'd need to input to fit everything in. Suffice to say I have very broad tastes from classic jazz to Céline Dion and The Carpenters (yes you read right, no shame here). I do love films too, but I'm a real telly addict really. I need my daily fix of TV and my favourite shows or else.

It's so hard to give an accurate description of yourself in a little box on a screen I think. So impersonal. Basically I'm a happy, caring, funny guy who hasn't really had much luck when it comes to love. I'd really like to meet someone similar (or complete polar opposite, I'm an equal opportunities kind of guy). If this sounds up your street then get in touch!

What do you think? I just don't know. I feel like it's ok but I kind of want to change it. It's like flaming Sophie's Choice. I wasn't sure about the five languages thing either but fuck it, I'm clever, so shoot me! I decided not to mention the virgin issue just yet. I'm dreading having to discuss it at all with a prospective partner really. It's definitely something I want to do face to face though, not over a flickering computer screen. This is the first time I've done this where I'm taking it seriously and I feel like my life is hanging in the balance (a little dramatic perhaps).

So, profile done you then have to answer the most probing questionnaire ever devised. There were several awkward questions relating to dating history and how you behave when in a relationship. I didn't know what to put. There's no box for 30 year old virgin so I just had to improvise. Then I had drama trying to upload a photo. I couldn't put the ones I wanted up as they were too small apparently. So I've had to resort to trawling through my photo albums for more recent pictures in which I look like Shamu the killer whale (exaggeration, I'm still cute!).

About to put a carving knife to my wrist I finally managed to complete the damn thing. Hooray, I did it. Wrong! Now I have to trawl through a database the size of Russia looking for men who don't look like murderers or people out on day release. I've seen a few specimens who've caught my eye so we'll see. Honest opinion at this point though, I'm not sure about this internet dating malarkey. I'm intrigued and horrified in equal measure. Watch this space...

Best laid plans

So, now you know a little more about me, maybe it's time I started formulating a plan to help me snag Prince Charming. "Just let it happen naturally" I hear you cry. Bollocks is my reply to that. I'm of the opinion that, like anything in life, you get out what you put in. You've got to be proactive if you want to be successful at whatever you're doing. It might sound incredibly unromantic to approach finding love in this way, but so far the path I've been following hasn't exactly born fruit has it? I think it's time I let my anal (!) nature hold sway and come up with a plan of action. Plus, I just like to make lists.

I suppose the obvious place to start is by joining a dating website. I did actually join one here in Spain, eDarling it's called. This initial flirtation with online dating lasted approximately three minutes though, as I was bombarded with a slew of Quasimodo lookalikes all wanting to 'make my acquaintance' shall I say. I wouldn't have minded so much except that they all must have been illiterate. I had clearly stated on my profile that I was looking for someone in Madrid and wasn't prepared to travel.However, I had strange, flabby, balding men from all over Spain clamouring to see me. Gross! This does beg the age old question is it true that only murderers, losers, perverts, facially and physically challenged (aka fat and ugly) people use online dating? At the moment all signs point to yes. I'm not going to be put off though. Positive mental attitude people!

Then there's the question of Gaydar. For those of you who don't know, this is basically a website where gay guys can find each other and have rumpus. I think I've answered my own question with this one. If I just wanted sex I could have been having illicit liaisons courtesy of this website for years. I'm not judging anyone who uses it though. I guess I'm just a bit of a romantic at heart. I'd like to be wined and dined  a bit before I give it up!

I also need to develop some kind of functioning gaydar and a sense of when guys are into me, as I seem to be the only homosexual on the planet who doesn't possess it. Case in point: I lived in Italy for a year when I was 23. There I met a really sweet, cute guy named Roberto. We'd hung out in a group a few times, he was really fun and I liked him a lot. Of course I was too terrified to ask him out so I just drooled quietly from afar. Anyway, one day he invited me over to his house for 'cake' (a euphemism for sex I later found out). Now, I had been living in Italy for a few months at this point gorging daily on cheese, ham, salami and cake, and my waistline was beginning to expand like a hot air balloon. Thus, when he asked me if I wanted to come round for cake my reply was an emphatic no! How was he ever going to fall in love with me if I looked like Barry White after a rough weekend?! I still maintain that if he'd just been more direct we might have had something. Don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not scared of sex. I just need someone to literally wave their penis in my face for me to realise they're interested. How was I supposed to know that 'cake' was possibly some weird Italian way of asking me if I wanted to make the beast with two backs?

There are tons of options open to me if I really want to put myself out there I guess: Blind dates, speed dating, set ups by friends, saunas (maybe not for me though), the list goes on. Reading this, every fibre in my body is screaming and trying to run for the door. I'm fighting my jaded, cynical nature at every step with this one. I am excited as well though. I kind of can't wait to get home so the hunt can begin! Stay tuned...